The Illusion of Control & the Power to Change
- Britta Van Dun
- Dec 1, 2025
- 7 min read
The Illusion of Control
We spend so much of our lives trying to control — others, situations, outcomes.
Deep down, many of us believe that if we could just change this person, up-level to that job, eradicate this health condition, or sway the conversation, everything would finally settle into place. We craft strategies, we intervene, we manage, we hustle — all in service of the hope that we can mold life to align with our will.
It’s early in our development that we adopt the illusion of control, believing that we are responsible for another person’s mood or their actions. If a baby smiles she might be rewarded with kisses, if a toddler expresses anger they might be told to quiet down or be sent to their room. If a child expresses sadness or displeasure, a caregiver may emotionally or energetically check out. In each of these fairly common instances, the child learns that the organic expression of emotion and thought have consequences.
Even though it’s not causal, children learn to repeat behaviors that garner reward and suppress or avoid that which results in disconnection or punishment. As a result, as we grow older, we operate under the assumption that most of our thoughts and actions affect other peoples’ feelings, behaviors or entire situations. Granted, to an extent, our thoughts and actions do carry influence. But, we wield nowhere near the power our subconscious minds would have us believe. Inevitably, attempting to control anything outside of ourselves can lead to disappointment, frustration, feelings of hopelessness, disconnection or significant imbalances of power.
This bias, aptly named the “illusion of control," refers to our tendency to overestimate how much influence our actions have over outcomes - outcomes that are, more often than not, outside of our control.
If we look at a new relationship, for example, we may unwittingly assume that we can manage the other person's mood, heal their pain, solve their problems. Sooner or later, we discover that other people are not ours to change. We can’t “make” someone do what we hope, and, in fact, trying to control others and outcomes usually backfires or strains the connection/potential.
The Agony of Trying to Control
When we try to control things — others, a timeline, an outcome — we pay a hidden cost. We experience stress, tension, resentment, and an underlying ache of unmet expectations.
The truth is: life is the interwoven co-arising of reality with innumerable dimensions of consciousness, unpredictable events, and emergent possibilities. We actually only have limited influence - within the sphere of our own halo, or hula-hoop if you will.
The main driving factor behind attempts to control is not from something smiley like abundance and hope, it's fear and the perception of lack, disconnection and scarcity. When we attempt to steer others or orchestrate outcomes, we are often acting from a place of fear: fear that we won't get what we want, fear that they won’t behave, fear the situation will collapse, fear we’ll lose something if we don’t intervene. A few acronyms for F.E.A.R. that might be helpful at this point: Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real, Forgetting Every Available Resource, F* Everything And Run, or . . . Face Everything and Rise.
In the context of healing/recovery work, a core tenet comes forward again and again: "I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it, and I can’t Cure it. When I am faced with a challenging situation, repeating this mantra reminds me that I am powerless over the past, over many situations and definitely powerless over others peoples' behavior. When I act as though I can control someone else’s outcome, I reinforce a burden that I am not meant to carry — and I will suffer for it. I don't want to suffer : ) . In these instances, when I'm attempting to control something that is not mine, it's very helpful to ask myself, "what am I afraid will happen if I don't intervene?" "what are my underlying fears in this moment?" and then, "are these fears true?"
When I do for another person what they were born do for themselves, I shield that person from the natural consequences of their actions, which only exacerbates the problem. Whether I'm innocently “managing, meddling, martyring, massaging, manipulating or mothering,” my attempts to control often stems from giving energy to a place it doesn’t belong. When I notice that I am trying to force a solution or "stick it out," or steer another human being, my body instinctively tightens and my mind loops - the physical level immediately understands that this is not a ride I want to get on. And so, it's my job to slow down, relax, return to myself - the sensations in my body, the story I'm telling myself, any nervous system dysregulation, my emotions, etc.
The Freedom of Letting Go
The more we believe we have control, the more the pain we experience when things fall apart — we invested a whole lot while the actual control was only partial, at best. The more we wittingly or unwittingly insist things go our way, the less we may be able to actually respond in real time with flexibility, compassion and creativity.
The paradox: when we discover how little control we actually have — over others, over life’s circumstances, the very first thought that pop to mind — we can soften and find freedom.
The relief comes when we stop carrying the weight of trying to make things go our way and instead surrender to what is. We allow the mysterious, the emergent, the interwoven field of consciousness to co-arise. We accept that reality is vast — billions of individual minds, trillions of sentient beings, the great All One — and we are part of it, not apart from it. We can draw from this resource of something Greater and we can align with what is organically always already unfolding.
In recovery circles we shift from “I’ll try to change you” to “I’ll change me.”
Bless them, grow me.
We shift from trying to steer others to just showing up, naming our truth, setting & maintaining boundaries, focusing on our own emotional well-being. We learn to detach with love - we can simultaneously care and let go.
When we stop the six M behavior — managing, meddling, martyring, massaging, manipulating, mothering — we begin to notice a new aliveness in Life. We take a few deep breaths, we pause, we ask: “Am I exercising one of the 6 Ms? Am I trying to make this go my way?” If yes, we soften. We can ask: “Source, how would you have me show up?" "How can I gaze through the eyes of love?" "What in my being can become more spacious?”
We release the agenda, and we open.
This isn’t about giving up or giving in. If something requires changing and you're the person called to take action, bless you. This post is more about the day-to-day happenings that activate our control systems and learning to remember that we are a part of something bigger. It’s about teaming up with life rather than grasping or rejecting it. In that shift from agenda to allowance, something greater flows through us: a flow that is unforced. It allows for response instead of reaction, co-creation instead of wrestling. We get to stop arguing with reality. We become participants rather than self-employed puppeteers.
Research shows that excessive control is linked with rigidity, vulnerability to stress when outcomes don’t follow plan, and less resilience. In contrast, openness, acceptance, and flexible engagement with reality build resilience, capacity, peace.
What We Actually Control: Returning to Our True Power
The realization (and re-realizations) that we don't have much control can sting at first — especially for those of us who believe it is our job to manage moods, prevent conflict, and keep everything together. But acknowledging our powerlessness over others actually opens the door to a deeper truth: there are things we can control, and they’re what matter most.
When I recite “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it," I'm not rendered helpless — it brings me back to the only place my power lives: inside of me.
So, here’s a running list of what is in our control:
Our attention.
We get to choose where we place our awareness — the breath, the body, the present moment, the stories we’re telling ourselves.
Our actions.
Setting boundaries, having honest conversations, reaching out for support, taking the next small/right action — these are always available to us.
Our effort.
We can’t control the outcome, but we can control the sincerity, consistency, and intention we bring to anything we do.
Our attitude.
Openness, curiosity, compassion, willingness — these inner stances shape how we meet life, no matter what's happening.
Our response to emotions.
We might not control what we feel, but we can control how we breathe through it, the tenderness of our awareness, whether we take time to pause and recalibrate, and how we act (or don’t act) on those feelings.
Our interpretation of events.
We get to decide whether something becomes a catastrophe or a course correction, a dead end or a doorway.
Our values.
We can always choose to act from integrity, honesty, and love — especially in hard moments.
Our boundaries.
We control the access we grant and the energy we allow into our lives.
Our self-care.
Rest, nourishment, movement, connection, spiritual practice — all of these choices support our clarity, resource and capacity.
Our willingness to let go.
We can’t control people or outcomes, but we can choose the gift of surrender. We can loosen our grip. We can stop forcing. We can accept what is.
When we stop trying to control what isn’t ours, we reclaim the power over what is ours.
We move from managing others to governing our own heart. We shift from reacting to responding. From fear to presence. From gripping, grasping or rejecting to participating.
This is where freedom Lives
The greatest act of control is not managing situations or others, but surrendering into the governance of our own hearts. In so doing, we realize that while we might not be able to control, we can absolutely contribute, we can grow, we can show up with an open heart and an open mind.
If you are curious about relinquishing control or you'd like healing support in any way, please don't hesitate to reach out. I’m here for you in-person in Tucson AZ offering intuitive and holistic care through acupuncture, Chinese Medicine (TCM), hands-on energy healing, and craniosacral therapy. I specialize in multi-dimensional, transformational healing. Virtually, I’m available online via Zoom, FaceTime and phone for intuitive life coach and distance energy healing sessions.
Xx
Britta
Licensed Acupuncturist, Intuitive, Healer, Coach, Energy Medicine Practitioner
📞 917-519-2432
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